


Unbalanced Empires

by dreamingofawolf (rl4sb4eva)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Emperor Hux, Fluff, It's supposed to be funny, M/M, Mention of Kylo with a cybernetic arm, Mitaka/Thanisson (Implied), Post TFA, This is just ODD, but it's kinda not, implied sex toys, mentioned canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 16:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6477133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rl4sb4eva/pseuds/dreamingofawolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Did we have to actually watch it? We couldn’t just make an appearance then leave? Ren? You aren’t actually going to keep up the silent treatment for the entire night are you?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unbalanced Empires

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored and decided to elaborate on a conversation I'd had with Isy the night before. But it's not their fault, it's entirely mine... I'm so sorry.

“Did we have to actually watch it? We couldn’t just make an appearance then leave? Ren? You aren’t actually going to keep up the silent treatment for the entire night are you?”

_(‘The Great Emperor, Lord Ren, Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Imperial Premiere of Unbalanced Empires, there will be a short Q &A after the film with the actors and directors, before drinks will be served in the banqueting hall, please enjoy.’)_

“You are? Are you actually a child? You know sometimes I regret stabbing that shrivelled husk in the eye socket, you seem to have regressed a decade, which puts you at about 7 in maturity years. Fine. Let’s see what this debacle is like.”

_(‘The loathsome Resistance will tremble before the might of the First Order.’)_

“Well, it’s not exactly where I’d have chosen to open it, and the words aren’t quite right, but it certainly looks grand. Though they have messed up the back of my coat, and why are you watching me from behind the curtain, you weren’t even there!”

_(‘Fire!’)_

“I didn’t look that obscene, did I? Oh stop smirking. I’ve seen the holos of that speech, I did not look like I was orgasming!”

_(‘Your Mother wanted me to bring you home, Ben.’)_

“Ren, maybe you should step out for a… Well, that’s a staggering amount of artistic license, I’m pretty sure he never attacked… Hey. Look at me. Or hold my hand, that works too, though maybe try not to break my fingers. Looks a bit ridiculous if the Emperor is damaged by his own Knight. Ah, a laugh. Well, they’ve laid us low for the first act, and now we rise. What are you? My handkerchief? You could just ask, you idiot.”

_(‘Bring Kylo Ren to me!’)_

“I think they’ve actually made Snoke look less ugly in this as well. And I’m pretty sure I was never that obsequious in reality. I wasn’t! You with the ‘Oh Master, by your training’ and the lapdog attitude! I was, slightly snivelling, granted, but still a General!”

_(‘KYLO! KYLO! WHERE ARE YOU?’)_

“Are you kid… I had a tracker in your belt! I did not run all over an exploding planet screaming like a lovesick moron! I flew, in a shuttle, dragged your ungrateful arse on board and left. Artistic interpretation be damned. Stop shifting around, Ren. I’m trying to complain about this travesty of a film.”

_(‘No! No, please don’t be dead! Kylo! How can I go on without you?’)_

“Probably a lot more practically and simply to be honest. Oh don’t give me that look, you were a pain and a menace to First Order equipment, no matter how big… Wait. Am I crying?”

_(‘I love you. So you can’t be dead, because I love you Kylo Ren!’)_

“Well… I certainly didn’t… I would never… Why are you still lying in the snow, your arm was fucked, not your legs, you could just about stand? Why are you looking at me like that? I need some air.”

_(‘Hux…’_

_‘Oh thank the Force!’)_

“Why are you following me? You aren’t actually talking to me, so you’re just going to stand there whirring! Remind me to get you a quieter prosthetic. And maybe an attachment for opening bottles! Bloody cork!”

_(‘We lost Starkiller, we can’t lose him as well. Remove the arm, we have the technology!’)_

“Ah, Lady Even… Aren… Acen… I’m so sorry, I’ve been taken suddenly light-headed, just grabbing a glass of wat… Uh, bottle of champagne. Oh the ladies, down there I believe. ‘We have the technology’... I never said that. You were bleeding and it was useless.”

_(‘We shall rebuild the Order, and rise again.’)_

“Thanisson! It’s been too long, how is the family? Mitaka, the children? Lovely. Ah yes, just down there I think… Look I’m sorry that Millicent destroyed that cuddly creature toy thing. But maybe don’t leave the imposter cat toys near her, next time. She doesn’t like them.”

_(‘We need to destroy the Supreme Leader, Ren. He’s keeping us apart. He’ll destroy us both!’)_

“Ah, the second act will be our devious plotting. We should go back in, they’ll be looking for us soon. Where are you going, Ren? Oh, not talking to me still, just beckoning like I’m some animal. You’re the out of control beast, Ren! Fine.”

_(‘Careful, Ren…’)_

“Lady E… A… Yes, do enjoy the rest. You know I’m pretty sure I never said ‘Careful’ in that inflection. It sounds almost, breathy. Ren, where are you going?”

_(‘Please…’)_

“Are we behind the screen? Why are we… We aren’t teenagers, we can’t just sneak around in places!”

_(‘Hux! I’m sorry, I… I love you too, but I have to do this.’)_

“You flinched.”

“You’re finally talking to me again then? Of course I flinched, you stuck a saber through my abdomen!”

“No, right now. You flinched. When you saw it.”

“I don’t flinch! What are you doing?”

“Hux, shut up.”

_(‘Well done, my apprentice. Now the usurper is dead we can rule together!’)_

“You kissed me?”

“I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

“You’ve wanted to kiss me for years?”

“Well, mostly shut you up, but the kissing part was a possibility. You kissed me back.”

“Of course I did, you lumbering oaf! You’re always boasting about how you can read everyone’s minds, so you have to know how I felt!”

“Contempt, hatred, seething burning anger?”

_(‘You! You tricked me!’)_

“You don’t? But…”

“I was in there in the beginning, your head that is, but it was so… Loud and ordered but then you’d just be fragmented and so sharp. And then back to ordered. Frankly it was exhausting. That’s why I gave you blocking lessons. It saved me listening to how much you hated me.”

“Only in the beginning, with the mask, and being told you were my equal despite having never worked for any of it. I was… Jealous.”

_(‘My apprentice! How could you deceive me so? After everything I showed you. For this… This…’)_

“Oh. Well, now you’re entirely in charge. Of everything.

_(‘Wonderful man! Who I love! All for him!’)_

“This dialogue is atrocious! Who even signed off on this? I’m sure I have a slander/libel department. Or just a ‘please don’t make the Knight out to be some kind of lovesick puppy’ department. Oh stop laughing.”

“Snoke knew. That I… Anyway. He knew and he used it against me. Said you could never love me. You didn’t think I was good enough for you.”

“Yes, because he was widely known for being a bastion of truth and non-manipulative statements. I’m starting to think I should have dragged out the eye stabbing a bit more. Thought there’s no nerves in the ball, so maybe some head stabbing… Bit of bone breaking…”

“Hux.”

“Sorry. I… Uh… Wait. You…”

_(‘I love you, Hux! Most ardently. My General.’)_

“I love you. Most ardently, my General.”

“That was terrible! Can I shoot the writer? Stop laughing.”

“Yes. Yes you can.”

“I do, you know? Love you, that is. I never would have kept you around this long otherwise.”

“Which is quite frankly, the most romantic thing I think you’re ever going to say to me in reality.”

“Can we go home, Kylo?”

“Absolutely. I’ll snatch some bottles of champagne on the way. I don’t have a bottle opener attachment for the hand unfortunately. But I do have a few others you might enjoy.”

“Why?”

“To fully serve my Emperor of course.”

“Did you write the damned script? That was awful! Also, fully serving me would include a bottle opener, so you are, once again, slacking.”

“I’m sure I can think of some way to make it up to you.”

“And this does mean I can clear out that store room of figures and other assorted tat of us you have and stick it in your rooms!”


End file.
